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Child Care

Safety

January 4, 2025

How to Handle Your Child Hitting or Biting

By Keira Harder

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Discovering that your child has hit or bitten another child at daycare or school can trigger a mix of emotions: worry, guilt, embarrassment, or even defensiveness. You might wonder if you’ve failed as a parent or if this behavior means there’s something seriously wrong with your child. Rest assured, hitting and biting are normal developmental behaviors in young children, especially toddlers and preschoolers. What matters most is how we respond to these incidents to guide our kids toward healthier ways of expressing their emotions and needs.

Why Does This Happen?

First, let’s understand why children hit or bite. Young children often resort to these behaviors for reasons like frustration when they can’t express their needs due to limited language skills, stress or anxiety from changes like a new sibling or moving, curiosity about cause and effect, seeking attention (even negative attention), or impulsivity since self-control and empathy are still developing. These actions don’t mean your child is bad or destined for future trouble—they’re simply part of a child’s growth and learning.

How Worried Should You Be?

Occasional biting or hitting isn’t usually a cause for concern. Most children grow out of this behavior as they develop better communication and social skills. However, there are a few situations where you may need to take a closer look:

  • Frequency: If the behavior happens multiple times a day or escalates.
  • Intensity: If your child’s actions cause significant harm.
  • Persistence: If the behavior continues past the typical toddler years (around age 4 or 5).

If any of these factors apply, consider consulting a pediatrician, teacher, or child psychologist for guidance.

What to Do When Your Child Hits or Bites

Oftentimes if there is hitting and or biting happening at school, it is also happening with siblings, adults, or playdates at home. Here’s a step-by-step guide to handling these situations effectively if you witness your child engaging in poor social behaviors:

1. Stay Calm

Your reaction sets the tone. Take a deep breath and approach the situation with a calm and steady demeanor. Kids often model what they see so avoid yelling or other harsh punishments, as these can continue to trigger aggressive behavior. 

2. Address the Immediate Situation

  • Separate the Children: If possible, calmly separate your child and the other child involved.
  • Provide Comfort and Care: Ensure the victim is okay and offer first aid if necessary. Demonstrate empathy by acknowledging their feelings.
  • Inform the Parent: Though it may be difficult, talk to the parent of the child who has been hurt and assure them you are responding to the incident. 

3. Set Clear Boundaries

Firmly but gently say something like, “No hitting. Hitting hurts.” Keep it short and simple. Your child needs to understand that their actions are unacceptable while also respecting that a toddler’s attention span won’t last through a long lecture. Additionally, excessive attention to the child who has behaved poorly may reinforce attention seeking behaviors.

4. Teach Better Ways to Communicate

Once your child has calmed down, help them learn alternative ways to express their emotions or needs. For example:

  • If they want a toy another child is using, teach them to ask, “Can I have a turn?”
  • If they’re frustrated, encourage them to find an adult and use phrases like, “I need help.”
  • Teach them how to take deep breaths to calm down their nervous system and refocus their attention on something else

5. Offer Logical Consequences

An age-appropriate consequence, like a brief time-out (one minute per year of a child’s age is a good rule of thumb) or removing a toy, can send the message that hitting or biting is not okay. Be consistent but avoid overly harsh or unrelated punishments.

6. Praise Positive Behavior

Your child is probably more often than not interacting with their peers in healthy and happy ways. Praise them when they share, use kind words, or handle frustration calmly, encouraging these behaviors. 

7. Collaborate with Teachers

If there are incidents at school or daycare, work with your child’s teacher to address the behavior. Ask about strategies they’re using and share what’s working at home. Ensure the school environment supports social-emotional learning and supervision.

Prevention Tips

Preventing aggressive behavior often involves addressing its root causes:

  • Read Together: Books about emotions and kindness can help your child learn social skills in a fun and relatable way.
  • Meet Basic Needs: Ensure your child gets enough sleep, eats well, and has regular opportunities to play and relax.
  • Recognize Triggers: Notice when your child is hungry, tired, or overstimulated, and intervene before problems arise.
  • Practice Emotional Skills: Teach your child words for their feelings, like “sad,” “frustrated,” or “help.” Role-play appropriate responses to tough situations.

Should You Make Them Apologize?

For very young children, forcing an apology may not be meaningful. Instead, focus on teaching empathy by saying something like, “Look, your friend is sad because you hit them.” As they grow older, encourage sincere apologies when they’re calm and able to understand their actions.

Remember This Won’t Last Forever

Biting and hitting are not signs of having a “bad child” or being a “bad parent.” These behaviors are simply part of a child’s developmental journey with most children leaving them behind once they are emotionally mature enough to understand and regulate their feelings. With patience and guidance, your child will learn essential social and emotional skills to navigate their world. Stay calm, be consistent, and remember you’re not alone in parenting through these difficult moments.

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